Movie Review - Beowulf
by Skip Tucker
http://www.skiptucker.com
Beowulf. The very name evokes memories of reading about this legend in Mrs. Shandorf’s 4th grade class (Actually, it could’ve been my 3rd grade teacher, but I can’t remember her name). When the movie project was first announced and I found out that Robert (“Back to the Future”) Zemeckis was going to directing, I must admit that my first thought was that this was going to be a kick-ass retelling of the story that Mrs. Shandorf (or What’s-her-name) thrilled me with back as a pup.
Unfortunately,the only things “Beowulf” have in common with that spooky old English poem are the same character names. And turned out to be as thrilling as Mrs. Shandorf’s (or… you know…) famous weekly arithmetic quizzes.
By all rights, this movie should be a blockbuster. Epic battles, treachery, debauchery, adultery, and Angelina Jolie naked (sort of). You know, all the things that make a movie and this great nation of ours great!
Maybe it was the motion-capture format that seemed a bit off (Robin Wright-Penn had one bored expression throughout the film, Anthony Hopkins looked like a fat house elf, and for those who saw “The Departed,” get this - they cast the dweeby guy who played Mr. French as Beowulf! And they drew him so buff he would’ve made Leonidas of Sparta look like Charlie Brown.
Or maybe it was that John Malkovich was so criminally underused. His character (Unferth) showed so much sleazy promise at the beginning of the film, but ended up as a wasted syncophant who apologizes to Beowulf for doubting him, and gives him the his own beautiful sword. I kept waiting for some sort of a kickass payoff, but all I ended up waiting for was for the guy ahead of me to get out of the bathroom so I could throw up.
It also could’ve been that this movie is also shown in 3D (I didn’t know that when I went in). So all the swords being thrust, the arrows being shot, and the dragon’s fireballs breathing directly into the camera seemed like just more bad editing.
Angelina Jolie’s aforementioned nudity was pretty cheesy, too. The rise from the water was very Bond-girlish, but strategically placed mud hid the naughty bits. Although I’ll admit that the bit with her hair braided down her back and ending up as a serpent’s tail looked pretty cool. I was confused as to why she was wearing high heels, though. In a swamp, of all places.
The ending was as predictable as a diet plan (I was going to go with “as predictable as a plot in a “Road Runner” cartoon, but I didn’t want to come across too strong). The one redeeming feature about the film was that they got Crispin Glover to do the voice of Grendel. Imagine that – having a distorted, self-absorbed, mumbling, burned out, psycho has-been… …wait, I forgot… Was I talking about Crispin Glover or Grendel?
No matter. Save your bucks for Christmas shopping. This one, in the words of the immortal Mr. Mackey, is “one big, stinking choad.”
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By the way - my sister Melody reminded me that my 2nd grade teacher was Miss Pritchard.
I hate it when she remembers things I can't.
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