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INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
When it was over, we were all looking at each other and sort of hesitantly saying, "So...did you like it?" None of us could believe that this much-anticipated movie would disappoint so much.
The plot was as transparent as the crystal alien skull. Every other line tries to be funny and clever, but falls flat. Oh yeah, incidentally, there is no kingdom!
The Suckage Factor of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was 9.6
With that in mind, here's an Open Letter to George Lucas
Dear George Lucas, (CC: Steven Spielberg)
Please stop ruining movie characters from my childhood. It was bad enough when you turned Darth Vader into a snot-nosed, annoying, midichlorian soaked nine-year-old brat who made protocol droids in his spare time, and who matures into a wooden actor for the next two films and who shouldn’t even be cast in a car commercial. It was difficult to get past the steaming piles of feces masquerading as Star Wars prequels but although I still spontaneously scream out curses when I think of Jar Jar Binks, I also understand that you were somewhat pressed for time (having barely twenty years to hammer out a script). But, you still had the Indiana Jones franchise in your graying beard so we forgave you. Sure, Temple of Doom wasn’t all that great, but it did have its moments. Luckily, The Last Crusade salvaged the series and we all went home happy and tingly. But you couldn’t leave well enough alone…
I don’t want to imply that the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a bad movie because it’s not. It’s much worse than that. It’s difficult for me to convey the level of sucktitude that this movie possessed. But let me try.
Nobody should go into an Indiana Jones movie looking for realism. But I do ask that the movie be more realistic than Howard the Duck. The plot is a directionless mess that serves only to get to the next chase scene.
Indy is chased through a warehouse.
Indy is chased through an Atomic testing site.
Indy is chased from a 50s diner (in a scene reminiscent of Marty hitting Biff in Back to the Future).
Indy is chased through Peru.
Indy is chased through a jungle somewhere in South America (It could have been Peru, my eyes kept rolling to the back of my head).
Indy is chased while in an amphibious vehicle by an amphibious vehicle.
Indy is chased through a temple.
There’s more chase scenes but I think you get the idea.
I’m just going to start using bullet points to give you descriptions of some of the more craptacular plot points, since my desire to write in paragraphs about this movie is waning:
* Gophers are used for comic relief. (Gophers are never funny. See Caddyshack)
* Monkeys are used for comic relief (Just in case us cynics didn’t enjoy the gophers.)
* Indiana Jones survives an atomic test blast by hiding in an fridge (This happens in the first 10 minutes and it would have been a better movie if he had just died then and there and the rest of the movie was about Sallah giving an eulogy reflecting on that time they went digging in Egypt for the Well of Souls. Yes, I would have been more satisfied spending my money on a flashback episode about Raiders of the lost Ark.)
* Shia LaBeouf’s character ("Mutt," but the name hardly matters at this point) uses a snake as a rope to help rescue his mother and Indy from quicksand. But Indy would rather sink to his death because he’s afraid of snakes. He made the kid call it a "rope" before he would even grab it. Suckola.)
* Industrial Light and Magic use the same swarm effect that was already used in The Mummy except instead of a swarm of flesh eating scarabs they use a swarm of ants. And because that’s not scary enough, they make the ants the size of baseballs. (And you thought that quip about Howard the Duck being more realistic was a joke?)
* Spielberg uses stock footage from Close Encounters of the Third Kind at the film’s “climax” (using terms very loosely here).
* The revelation that Indy is Shia LaBeouf’s character’s ("Mutt," but the name hardly matters at this point) father is more obvious than a wedding day pimple, and can be seen from their first scenes together.
* Shia LaBeouf’s character ("Mutt," but the name hardly matters at this point) swinging on vines to catch up to speeding vehicles.
* Kate Blanchett (Galadriel, the LADY OF LIGHT, for the love of God) looking like the cheap step-sister of Uma Thurman's character in Pulp Fiction ("Mia Wallace." I looked it up).
Did I like anything about the movie? I did. Right at the beginning, before Indy appears, you see a man knocked to the ground. The camera cuts to his shadow as he bends down and picks up a fedora that he places on his head. Chills up and down my spine. After that, it felt like someone kicking me up and down my spine.
Now can someone serve Lucas a restraining order to keep him from making any American Graffiti sequels and/or prequels?
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